My Miscarriage Story

I never really thought about the term mother. And, I definitely never thought about the term in reference to me. I always think back to my younger days, holding my dolls, cradling them in my arms as if each one were real or picking baby names in middle school hoping that one day my time would come. My time came.

My time woke me up out of my sleep, a weird feeling I should say. Slightly confused because my cycle was a week before but thinking nothing of the blood that dripped in the toilet, I mistakenly thought it was normal as I placed a sanitary napkin in my underwear and got back on the side of the bed that I normally do not sleep on as he held me. He held me so tight that night, almost as if he knew before I did. I forced myself to back to sleep and woke up feeling extremely tired and groggy. Saturday morning, I dragged into work feeling ill and uneasy. Unknowingly, I walked into the bathroom and came out shocked and scared. 

I'll never forget the the pain and pool of blood that rushed out of me like rapids. Fear took over my body and I went into panic mode. I immediately left and went to urgent care where I was told that I wasn't pregnant, which didn't affect me because that thought never crossed my mind in the first place. But, its pretty weird as the test is happening, something in the back of your mind is saying "maybe I am." I remember texting him waiting for the results and I don't know who was more nervous. So, thinking nothing of it, even more, I went home and settled for the answer that I wasn't with child. It calmed me, but something in the back of my mind knew that something wasn't right. So, I scheduled the first appointment that I could get with my doctor Monday evening. 

Little did I know Monday evening, would change my life forever. I walked into the doctor's office pretty content, think of this appointment as a follow-up.  Read this next sentence as fast as you can. I was called to the back, I got examined, my doctor asked me a couple of questions, literally that's how fast it was going until he said the words "Oh, you're having a miscarriage." Everything stopped. The world stopped, literally stopped. My heart stopped, all noise stopped, motion stopped, every single thing stopped. It felt like I got hit by a bus. I remember my doctor looking at him then looking at me and he could tell that I was just numb. I couldn't feel anything. My doctor walked up to me, gave me a hug, and told me that everything was going to be okay. I walked to the car and sat in the driver's seat and the first thing that crossed my mind was how other women who are farther along in their pregnancy must feel in this situation and how scary it must be to carry a child for months just to end up empty. 

My mom was the first call. She literally screamed. My best friend was the second, she literally cried. But, me I couldn't feel any of it. Even if I tried. As I drove home, my mind was filled with so many thoughts that it was just silent noise. 

I arrived home, took my clothes off, and got in the bed. Little did I know, I was never going to get up. It was kind of like everything seeped into the mattress, all of me. I didn't move for months. I lost everything, even my job. I felt less than. 

Everything that exemplified what a woman should or could be was taken from me. I gave up on everything. I didn't answer phone calls or text. I didn't answer emails. I didn't apply for a new job. I just gave up. I had a hard time trusting God, I would wonder all of the time why did this happen to me and what I did to deserve this. I felt like no one could hear me, see me, or could understand how I was feeling. So, isolating myself was the only option. 

I cried, I cried so much. I still cry. I call it "a mothers cry." Not everyone understands what that is, but its heavy and dark cry. I cried until I didn't have one tear left in me, and I got up and fought to get my life back. 

I had my miscarriage on a Monday and lost my job that Friday. So, I didn't work for three months. I finally started filling out applications and finally got a job. I tried to get back into blogging, but it didn't feel right. I just wasn't ready and it felt forced. I didn't want to force or fake my happiness. I wanted to go through the motions, so I could heal properly. So, I stopped that completely until I could do it, that made me love it even more. Fashion gave me a purpose and music saved my life. I depended very heavily on the few friends that I have and my parents.

Speaking of parents, I eventually had to tell my father, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. I felt like I disappointed him. He was so confused, he had so many questions that I wasn't ready to answer. I wasn't ready to face the fact that I was pregnant and that I had lost my baby. I'd been in shock for a while, I think I'm still in shock till this day. I don't know if I'll ever accept the fact that I could've been an amazing mother. But, I do know that it wasn't my time, at least that's how I have to look at it. I wasn't ready and that's okay. I don't know if I'll ever be truly ready, but what I do know is that when the time is right, it will come. And, I made it through. Some women don't make it through. 

Miscarriage is hard, it's heavy, and it's long. But it makes you stronger. 

To any woman who has experienced a miscarriage please know that you are not alone. You matter, your story matters and your voice is heard. 

Thank you for following my story.